Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
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You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Steam Forums
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
nice challenge