Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
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Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
LMAO.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.