[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
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Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.