Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
You Might Also Like
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia