5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
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[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Venn
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.