Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
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Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’