Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
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My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
happy mother’s day❤️
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.