This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
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On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
my professor scared me for a second
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
i now pronounce you bounced.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.