co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
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Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Sending in my taxes
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
The happy life.. 😊
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.