whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
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Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.