how was your vacation
You Might Also Like
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same