Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
You Might Also Like
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
What about second breakfast?
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists