“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
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Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?