January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
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“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary