if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
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My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods