*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
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The most important meal of the day is the next one
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]