Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
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A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Don’t snitch tag.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.