Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
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My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.