I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
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I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”