The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
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I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
very niche meme I made
yall want some gasoline milk
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?