I think about this a lot
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Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.