Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
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me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
But I really needed water water water
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.