Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
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I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*