Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
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HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Good Morning.
What’s so funny?
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
look at me when i’m typing to you
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Ok, but like, how married are you?
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club