When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
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*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
How to properly lift a body
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?