Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
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4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target