children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
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Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Raisins are grape jerky.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
A man of commitment.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*