my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
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Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
I’ve been learning to cook.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
😂😂😂
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist