Oh we’ve met.
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Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
lmao
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget