Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
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Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls