People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
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When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔