Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
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I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?