[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
You Might Also Like
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me