if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
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me 2 months after i graduated
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
My boss called in sick of me
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while