John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
You Might Also Like
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year