How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
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[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
a lot to unpack here
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.