My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
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Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that