Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
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Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
my dad has had enough
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no