So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
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People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Wise advice
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
LA today:
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*