ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
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My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar