It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
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Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
According to math, I’m broke
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2