Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
You Might Also Like
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
If you love someone, let them tweet.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg