white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
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I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Stop being racist to kettles.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife: