A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
You Might Also Like
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Is your wife single?
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
What if all the cashiers are married?
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.