True.
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I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Me My dog
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.