Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
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My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…