[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
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“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!