Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
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They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen