They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
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I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
But that’s none of my business
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*