Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
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let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
My teenage children choosing violence
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.